Saturday, January 22, 2005

Norwegians Shocked by Satanist Bush 

"No Satan," begins a January 21 headline from Norway's Nettavisen, "Why Bush Showed 'The Satan Sign.'" That's a conceptual rather than literal translation. The literal translation would be, "Therefore Showed Bush the Satan Sign," which amounts to the same thing colloquially.

"Many [Norwegian] TV-viewers were shocked," the article explains, when the president and daughter Jenna flashed the Satan sign at Thursday's inaugural ceremonies. The article patiently explains that the symbol was the perfectly innocent "Hook 'em, Longhorns" sign that the president and his daughter were flashing to the University of Texas marching band as it passed the podium.

I'm trying to imagine any mainstream American newspaper trying to patiently explain to Americans that the hand gesture of any world leader wasn't actually a salute to Satan. I'm trying to imagine any American dense enough to believe that, even if the president were some kind of closet Satanist, he'd salute his dark lord so publicly...

Oops. Google returns 1,230,000 hits for "Bush Satan." Here's a sample (I haven't copied or linked to the pictures, so you'll have to follow the link to see the images referenced, but you can imagine what they are):

The following are a few examples among numerous times where Bush has been seen flashing this 'devil's salute'. His lame explanation? According to Bush, what he is doing is not giving the internationally recognized sign for devil worshippers. According to him, he is really giving the sign of the University of Texas Longhorns. But this deception doesn't hold water for two very good reasons. #1 George W Bush never attended the University of Texas. He received his undergraduate degree from Yale University. The University of Texas law school turned him down because his record at Yale was so mediocre. Family connections enabled him to get into Harvard Business school instead. Let's face it - nobody in their right mind goes around continually flashing the sign of a college they never attended, a college that rejected him. I suggest that he picked it up at college all right, but while attending Yale, after joining a Satanic cult called "Skull and Bones". #2 There is another very good reason why his alibi just doesn't wash. Anybody who knows anything about the University of Texas knows that Bush isn't flashing the sign of the Texas Longhorns at all. This following is a picture of a University of Texas student giving the Longhorns salute.

Notice how BOTH hands are used, and the back rather than the palms of the hands are facing outwards to better simulate Texas LonghornS. It is apparent from the evidence I've accumulated here, that Bush was definitely NOT giving the University of Texas Longhorns salute. He WAS giving the Satanic 'horned hand' salute.

(Some have emailed me to say that many people in Texas use the same salute that Bush does. That's irrelevant. Most of the people in Texas are also going to hell - that's a fact. Bush is giving the satanic salute, and so is everybody who gives the same salute. It doesn't matter that you would like to re-name it and call it the Longhorn salute - it is still the Satanic salute because that's how the salute originated, and that's how it is still known by most of the people throughout the world today. By the same token, you could stick your middle finger in the air and call that the Longhorn salute. But everybody knows what you're really saying, and you're not fooling anybody.)

So I guess poor Norway is being misled.

I wish I had the cojones to say things like, "Most of the people in Texas are going to hell—that's a fact." I don't suppose it dawns on our author that citing such a claim as a fact might throw a little doubt on some of his other assertions?

Most of the people who fret over Satanism have too much time on their hands and too little gray goo in their skulls.

And that's a fact.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Denmark for Americans 

I'm interested in any knowledgeable feedback on today's Almanac, a preview of a one-page resource I'd like to post for Americans coming to Denmark. All comments, suggestions, criticisms, and corrections welcome.

Molli's got a cold on top of everything else right now, so you may not hear much from me in the coming days. Therefore let me say it now:

Patriots over Steelers, 17-9, in the human finals.

Falcons over Eagles, 34-31, in the aviary finals. Vick is just too weird and Eagles fans are just too annoying for it to be otherwise.

(I actually love Eagles fans... we share a history of disappontments.)

And man over bird, either way, on February 6.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Peyton Misplaced 

The concluding sentence of the NYT's coverage of last night's glorious game:

Soon, Manning and the Colts would lose their grip on the season, foiled again by the Patriots, destroyed on a field of white.

Down to Pittsburgh next weekend for a game that begins at 12:30 am Central European Time. It's the Pats' third AFC Championship appearance in four years. Ah, New England, how I miss ye!

No Almanac today because last night's game went to 1:40 am and Molli had a cranky morning. (And by morning, I mean that period of time from 4 am onward.) I can probably announce with some confidence that there won't be an Almanac next Monday, either.

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